20161004_100300What is one to do when they are so sick of waiting for “it” to happen? Especially when you’re not even sure what “it” is. The only thing you do know is there is a restlessness and a yearning eating you up inside. You’re waiting for a fulfillment of a promise or a dream for years and it seems like life is just passing you by. You seemingly go unnoticed, overlooked, you feel insignificant, undervalued and under appreciated. You realize you’re not 20 anymore and think somehow somewhere along the way you missed “it”.  You try so hard to be content and you do find joy in serving where you’re at. You diligently serve your family, friends and church. You are a friend and servant to all, and even though you are finding joy and satisfaction knowing you are loving and helping others there is still a knowing sensation inside of you that it is not enough. You want more. So much more. What do you do when you lose hope of ever seeing your dreams and aspirations become a reality? What do you do when you cry out to God and all you get is silence or that dreaded word…”wait”? I am so sick of waiting Lord. Can you throw me something? Anything to hold me over till the time for “it” comes. Are all these dreams inside of me not for me? Are they some kind of sick joke? It’s so easy to get sidetracked or allow myself to fall into the trap of shallow distraction.  How does one keep singularly focused and fully passionate in the waiting? I am truly happy for those around me who are seeing their dreams realized and fulfilling their destinies.  I cheer them on and celebrate their success, but inside I die just a little more. I have days where I say to myself “That’s enough! Stop feeling sorry for yourself Melanie! Maybe your calling in life is to support and get behind those around you who are reaching for their dreams” I repent for allowing jealously, fear, anger or bitterness to creep in. I rebuke the victim spirit, I proclaim the promises of God over my life. I look back and thank Him for what He’s already done and all the good things He has blessed me with. And yet still some days I feel crushed and overwhelmed with it all. I think to myself, “How can I be feeling this way again? How can I allow those thoughts and feelings to find their way into my mind and heart again? What in the Sam Hill is wrong with me?” So what do you do when the answers don’t come? What? What do you do when you dig into the word of God, cry out to Him, bring Him a sacrifice of worship and things seem to go from bad to worse? What do you do when you feel your faith weakening and your hope dying and your flame of passion flickering and slowly going out?  What do you do when you feel your heart hardening? What I ask you? What? What do you do when you keep plugging away doing things you don’t feel like doing, but have to anyway? What do you do when all you want to do is cry, scream, punch something and throw yourself on the floor? What do you do when a dark cloud seems to follow you around trying to suck you into its darkness and tempts you to succumb to your sinful nature. What if it doesn’t leave you alone no matter now much you pray, worship, rebuke, repent, and break off?? WHAT???? I know some of you just don’t get it and it’s not your struggle.  Maybe you’re thinking  I am being super dramatic, but I do know that there are those out there who know EXACTLY what I am talking about. I am writing this for you.  So if this isn’t for you and all you are going to do is hardcore judge those of us who have this struggle then stop reading. I am at the point in my life that I just really don’t care if people judge me for being open with my struggles because I know there are a 1,000 more who may be where I am and just need one person to be brave enough to share their story and let them know it’s ok that you aren’t crazy or weird or a loser. So back to the question at hand. What is one to do? Well you and I can do one of two things.  We can roll over and give up. Succumb to the darkness, give in to the temptation and throw it all away. Or we can dig in our heels and say “Jesus help me. I choose to trust you even though I can’t see, hear, or feel you right now.” And then wait some more. The outcome and consequences of each response if vastly different. When you give in to the flesh you are giving up ground to the enemy. The things you find to substitute God’s plan for your life will leave you feeling even more confused, empty and unfulfilled. The anger gets worse, the emptiness deeper, and the loss of hope will crush your spirit. But when you choose to say “Jesus, I need you and I choose to trust you.” the cloud of lies and doubt begins to dissipate. You can get glimpses of God. You have a clearer memory of the things He’s already done for you. Things that the devil wants you to forget. You begin to realize that you are playing right into the hand of the devil by believing these lies he’s filled your mind with. Then bit by bit you begin to have clarity of where God has actually been moving and speaking. And where you thought He was silent and you were forgotten you understand now that your seeing and hearing and feeling Him had just been clouded and drown out by the whispers of Satan and his stupid little minions. Little by little, baby step by baby step you can begin to move forward. You begin to find joy in the small things again. It doesn’t magically happen in an instant but each day a retraining of your  mind, a refocus of your eyes and a recheck of your heart gets you moving in the direction you need to go. There is this misconception out there, the “health and wealth” gospel so to speak, that if you are truly a Christian your life will be just peachy and your struggles will be few and far between. And if you continue to struggle well then you must not really be a true born again believer. Or another view which happens to be my favorite because its been told to me more than once “You must still have sin in your life” Well duh!!! Of course I still do. We all do. We will not reach our complete wholeness until the day we reach our reward…heaven. We can and do walk in victory as followers of Christ, but every victory requires a battle. A football player just doesn’t magically become immune to the tackles of the opposing team just because he prepares himself before his “battle” each week. When he signed up to play for that team he didn’t have to stop preparing and training. If he got discouraged and angry and started yelling at and blaming his coach each time he got hit or tackled we would think him ridiculous.   But in a sense that is exactly what we do when we blame God or get angry at God for not “protecting” us or stopping the enemy. Its all part of the “game” of life. After a hit or a loss a player goes back to his locker room regroups an watches tapes of the game to see where his own weakness and strengths are, as well as his opponents. Then he readjusts what he needs to and goes back to it week after week. Winning some and losing some. When he loses he doesn’t give up and walk off the field, he digs deep and keeps fighting. When a player loses do we say “Oh he mustn’t really be a football player.”? No!  He is still a player and a good one, but maybe just had an off day. We may not have tapes to watch, but we do have the amazing Holy Spirit who is our teacher, guide, cheerleader, and trainer all in one. He is an amazing gift and we need to listen when He speaks, instructs, rebukes, challenges and loves on us! So what are you gonna do? Give up? Give in? Roll over?  Or are you gonna trust God,  knowing that He is a good Father and there must be a really good reason for the waiting. Keep fighting friend! Don’t let that stupid devil win. He may have won a battle or two in your life, but he will NOT win the war! You’ve got the God of angel armies on your side!

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